They say all is fair in love and war. I don’t know about that, but I do know that through both, you need a solid game-plan to get what you want. Make no mistake about it– ex-boyfriends aren’t here to make pals–we’re here to fuck shit up. Below are some things we’ll lie to you about with intent to destroy the emotional foundation of your world.
1. “I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing.”
Really? You’ve gone months without speaking– now all of a sudden we’re interested in finding out how you are? This is typical of a guy who just lost his supply of sex or saw a Facebook photo of you with another dude. This is the first attack in a series that will make up our lengthy campaign of mental warfare. It gives us a reason to get in touch, and makes it seem like we actually care how you’re doing. If you respond– you show your interest in us, and our foot has at least cracked the door we’re looking to barge into.
2. “I just want to be friends.”
This is the oldest, shittiest lie in the book that women fall for every…single…day. Ladies, do you really believe it? Do you honestly think in a guy’s mind he’s saying: “Yeah– that’s what I want! I want the girl I used to have sex with regularly around– just to hang out with! We can be best buds now! I just want her in my life as a dear, dear friend. Please, tell me about the new guy you’re banging!” NO! This is an easy ticket back into your life by getting you to physically hang out with us. Dinner? Drinks? What does it matter? We’re just friends! Yay!
3. “Nobody understands us.”
Hey– guess what, dummy? EVERYBODY understands your messed up relationship. Everyone has an ex, and everyone knows that they’re an ex for a reason. This is just something ex-couples say to rationalize hanging out to everyone asking “What the hell are you doing?!” “…Nobody understands us! We’re so different and unique and special!” Shut up. No you’re not.